The temptation to abruptly steer the wheel left into the median crossed my mind as I drove home from work on the highway. My imagination took over. I envisioned my car flipping on the highway, hearing police sirens approaching, being found unconscious, and my family receiving the news of my death. Really? Had I really reached the point where I wanted to destroy the life that God gave me?
Worthless. Failure. Disappointment. Too far gone. These were the words I described myself during the spring of 2023. I wrestled with depression so much that I was stripped of who I was. I became angry, short-tempered, unkind, and sad. Many times, I covered everything up with happiness, but under everything, I was ready to give up.
Never a Day
I struggled with taking online courses and excelling in my studies. I failed my family repeatedly with my anger. These things led me to feel like I was never enough for the Lord because all I could see were my failures and worthlessness. I often questioned why He chose to even love me–someone who always failed Him and doubted His love.
Though I was experiencing these emotions, I never expressed them to my friends, sisters, or parents. I didn’t want to talk about how dark and scary depression felt or show any vulnerability because I felt that the Devil would use my experience against them, too. So, I chose to bear it all myself.
I was lonely and had no one to turn to. I knew I could turn to the Lord, but I refused to. I chose to believe in the Devil’s lies that I was too far gone for the Lord to accept and forgive me. I wanted to give up, thinking that turning to God would interrupt my plans to leave the Christian faith.
There was never a day where I wasn’t crying. And many times, I didn’t know why I was crying. I didn’t know why I was suffering. Day by day my suffering increased, and it strangled me. It strangled my relationship with my sisters, friends, the Lord Himself, and my own sense of self. I thought the Lord would reveal why I was suffering, but He never did.
I Didn’t Want to be a Christian Anymore
In my journal, I wrote: I’m stuck in darkness, with no hope, no joy, disappointment in myself, persuasion that the Devil has crept into my faith and that my faith has disappeared.
I didn’t want to be a Christian anymore. I was tired. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted to give up because, throughout everything, the Lord never revealed why I was suffering. I didn’t take any steps to seek God’s guidance, but, through His grace, He led me to slowly reach out to Him.
Count It All Joy
Some people reached out to me, not knowing what I was going through. One night, my good, older brother at Moody Bible Institute casually reached out to me, and I told him what I was going through. One thing he told me that I will never forget was this: “It would grieve me so much if you were to take your own life.” When he spoke those words, I realized I had lost myself. I realized that I shouldn’t try to destroy the life that God gave me.
After that, a close friend urged me to email one of my professors so that they could also help support me. I took her advice and emailed him. My professor scheduled a call with me and prayed for me. Truly, if I hadn’t spoken with my professor that week, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me.
Through these individuals, God slowly made His presence known to me. I eventually began to reflect on Scripture again. One verse that brought me great comfort during this time was James 1:2-4, which says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” I continued to reflect on this passage along with James 1:12.
If I Hadn’t
While suffering nearly pulled me away from God, I held onto the belief that my trials, suffering, and depression would ultimately strengthen my faith and produce steadfastness. Healing was a gradual process moving forward. Although I still experienced suffering, it lessened day by day to the point it fully disappeared.
Now, as I look back on my experience with depression, I’m grateful for what I went through. If I hadn’t experienced depression, I wouldn’t have learned what it meant to trust in the Lord through my sufferings and trials as I do now.
My experience has taught me that the Lord never fails. He continues to hold me fast even in my sufferings and failures. He truly loves me with an everlasting love. Even if He never revealed why I suffered during that time, He had taught me to trust Him in blindness and cling to His truths.
There Is a Purpose
My dear brothers and sisters, I don’t wish suffering upon any of you, but when the Lord sets a trial in your life, know that there is a purpose. In a way, I find peace in knowing that your suffering shows the Lord's refining work, shaping you into His likeness and bringing transformation. Like me, you won’t always know why you’re suffering, but you can know one truth: He will equip you with His strength to overcome your trials because His grace is sufficient.
And for those who haven’t sensed the Lord’s presence in your suffering, continue to walk in faith, and surround yourself with people who will pray for you. Trust Him and never give up. Please continue to fight. The Lord has already overcome your sufferings. The battle is won.
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