Living in What I Prayed For

Certain things are worth losing to keep those that are worthy of keeping. As the end of my senior year at Moody Bible Institute was approaching, I dreaded what came in the post-grad life. That was because my life—for once, it seemed—had no roadmap. My long-thought plans fell through. I wasn’t going to become a pastoral resident anymore. I wasn’t going to move out of my hometown anymore. I wasn’t going to be a part of certain relationships anymore. I genuinely felt like I had suffered the worst of defeats in my life.

With such a downhill moment in life, I knew I needed to be somewhere with someone. I knew I needed to be in a secret place with God. So, I went to the prayer rooms of Moody and got on my knees before the Lord. The thing was, though, I wasn’t going to pray. I was tired of praying. I was tired of waiting for the Lord when all I had received from Him was silence.

This was probably my twentieth time consulting with the Lord in six weeks. I was always prone to leave feeling dry and empty. He wouldn’t speak to me. He wouldn’t answer my prayers. I was angry. I was upset. I was heartbroken. I was in total defeat. Just like Job, I brought my case to the Lord and argued my ways to His face. I mustered all my strength before Him and wrestled for days, nights, weeks, and months.

I said to Him, “Why do You allow this to happen to me, God? Why do You take away everything that I’ve prayed for? Why do You let me suffer? Why do You sit in silence and not answer me? Why won’t You comfort me with Your voice? Why won’t You show me what You are doing in my life right now? Job was right! Although Your hands have fashioned me, You are destroying me altogether! If my head were even lifted up, You would hunt me like a lion and work wonders against me! I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.”

Then, the Lord spoke to me. After a long drought of silence, He finally said to me, as He did to Job: “Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to Me. Will you even put Me in the wrong? Will you condemn Me that you may be in the right? Who has first given to Me, that I should repay him?”

I stood there speechless. God was right. Who am I? What am I doing? I am in no place to argue with Him. He has done nothing but good to me even though I didn’t even deserve the slightest bit of it. He owes me nothing! He wasn’t in the wrong; I was! I, like Job, had uttered what I did not understand. I had spoken of things far too wonderful for me to even comprehend.

As I read the final verses in the book of Job, I was reminded that God restored Job’s fortunes, blessing him twofold. God made me realize that sometimes in life there are greater purposes for why we go through the things that we go through, and sometimes, we won’t get all the answers to our longing questions. I ceased my wrestle with the Lord. I laid myself down at His feet in total surrender. I stopped asking for clarity and submitted to His leading. I echoed the words of Job, saying, “I know that You can do all things and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.” Then, by the Spirit, I was led to pray day in and day out for His will in my life to be revealed according to His timing.

First, for an opportunity to serve Jesus through a Christian nonprofit organization by loving those who have experienced the world’s greatest injustices. This organization is known globally, especially in Chicagoland. I wanted to be a part of something purposeful for God’s kingdom before I entered the pastoral ministry, and I leaned heavily on the Lord for this post-grad opportunity.

Second, for ministry connections and partners. Friends, co-workers, and professors at Moody referred me to churches and pastors. Although pastoral ministry is not something I feel the Lord is leading me into right now (but in the near future), He had graced me with such connections to mentor, affirm, and encourage me through pastors and ministers who have gone through similar life experiences as me.

Third, for new lifelong Jesus-loving friends. These friends I met three months ago in April unexpectedly at a Good Friday evangelism event for Muslims in Chicago’s Little India. Such friends have continued to display to me what it means to be loved, seen, and known to this very day.

Fourth, for an opportunity to be directly mentored under solid, faithful pastors. I was recently at an event where I did not expect to see one of the pastors that I wanted to be mentored by. Without even bringing up my desire to be mentored and spiritually trained for the pastoral ministry, this pastor shared with me an opportunity to be mentored and equipped through the church he was currently pastoring at, sharing how he and the other pastors were looking to invest in the next generation of young pastors for further church-planting.

All four of these prayers were answered… not in my timing but in His. God had graciously granted all of these things to me in His perfect timing. A friend recently said to me, “Our 11:59 is different from God’s 11:59.” As cliché as it might sound to a college student, it’s as close to the truth as it gets.

I may have lost great opportunities and relationships, but I kept what mattered most: Jesus. Even when there was no roadmap, He was my roadmap. Even when my plans failed, His didn’t. God is putting me in what I directly prayed for in far and unimaginable ways, and I am glad I placed my trust in Him during the most confusing time of my life. I am living in what I prayed for because Jesus is a good and gracious King.