When a place of trust and healing becomes a place of doubt and anguish, what happens?
A Story of Church Hurt
(Note: For confidentiality purposes, pseudonyms are used to protect individuals from public disclosure.)
Jane was raised in a very traditional church with a very devout family. Her family attended church services several times a week and was fully invested in the church. However, everything began to falter. Jane’s parents grew further apart with differences that felt irreconcilable and eventually filed for a divorce. Jane’s father moved out of state. Jane’s mother, Holly, later remarried another man.
Upon hearing about Holly’s remarriage, Jane’s church leadership stated that Holly’s children could attend church service but Holly could not. This forced Holly to depart the church that she had been a part of her whole life and find a different church for her family. Jane, on the other hand, was upset that she was forced to go to a new church with her mother and stepfather. So, Jane found her way to continue attending the church where she had grown up because that church, she felt, was her home. It wasn’t until one Sunday that it all went wrong for Jane.
Jane’s pastor had preached a sermon to the congregation that felt directed towards Jane. For context, Jane had recently fallen victim to sexual assault outside of church. This tragedy was not foreign to the church members. Jane, a teenager, had conceived a baby who was eventually put up for adoption because she didn’t want to terminate. On that Sunday, the pastor preached that young women who place their children up for adoption are worse than those who have abortions. This left Jane in rage, hurt, and frustration.
Jane approached the pastor after several weeks to discuss the hurt that he had caused because she felt like she was shamed in front of the entire congregation. However, the pastor saw this as an opportunity to "preach" and "correct" her. Jane’s heart broke even more because she felt like she didn’t even matter.
Her last resort was to seek further conversations with other church leaders who might understand her better. Sadly, the other church leaders dismissed Jane’s concerns and told her, “Don’t speak negatively about the pastor and his teachings, or God will bring bad things upon you.” Although Jane had only expressed the hurt and shame caused by the pastor and his teaching, the church leaders mistook it for speaking negatively of the pastor and his teaching.
After this, rumors filled with false narratives spread about Jane throughout the church. This left Jane traumatized and emotionally scarred, causing her to lose trust in her church leadership and community. She left the church as a whole for many years until she found her faith in God again through a different church. Jane had experienced what is called church hurt.
A Broad Definition of Church Hurt
Church hurt is a broad and complex term because it exists on a spectrum. For us to better understand the term “church hurt,” we need to break it down word-for-word.
Today, “church” is often referred to as a building–which is true to an extent since we see it as a place of worship. However, in the original Greek, the word “church” is ekklesia, which means a called-out assembly or congregation. There are two ways to look at this. We can look at it as the universal church, which is the invisible composition of true, elect believers who are united to Christ—by the Spirit of faith—that exists throughout the world as known only by God.
Or we can look at it as the local church, which is the visible gathering of believers who claim to follow Christ in distinct places as seen by mankind. For the context of this blog series, we will be referring to the definition of the local church.
“Hurt,” as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, can refer to either (1) a bodily injury or wound, or (2) mental or emotional distress or anguish. We will be referring to the latter definition for the majority of this series to focus on the mental and spiritual aspects of this topic.
With such expositions, I offer a broad definition: Church hurt is the agonizing and emotionally scarring experience of being exploited in the context of a collective local church.
Why We Need to Talk About Church Hurt
In a survey that I released in October 2023, 52% of the 145 people surveyed that they have experienced some kind of church hurt. It is also worth noting that 7% of the people surveyed that church hurt shouldn’t be talked about at all.
Though church hurt may look different in every scenario—that is, less severe to very severe—it is a tragic reality that many churches have “swept under the rug.” It is often a topic that is either dismissed or neglected by pastors, elders, or church leaders. The sad truth is that church hurt, in general, occurs within every single church. No church is exempt from church hurt.
That does not mean, however, that one individual will always personally experience church hurt in other churches. For one, church hurt may have been personally experienced at their prior church but not at their current church that they’ve been a member of for decades now.
Church hurt is a topic that needs to be brought to light within our local churches because many people are suffering today due to emotional harm and trauma caused by a collective local church. Far too often we think holy places are exempt from such hurt. It is often a stigma to express the deep wounds we’ve experienced from our churches, especially if we live in a culture of honor and shame.
So, what happens if we don’t talk about it? Tension will only build. Trust will only be broken. Anguish will only grow. Christ will only be misrepresented. History will only always and forever repeat. And worse, souls will perish.
Four Possible Reasons for Church Hurt
There are four reasons why I think church hurt happens: (1) sin, (2) unbiblical leadership, (3) improper placement of faith and expectations, and (4) lack of awareness.
Sin is the first and major cause of church hurt. We are all imperfect people who sin daily, whether intentionally or unintentionally. We are prone to make mistakes—sometimes, even, hurting others more than we ought to imagine. We all have a sinful nature (Galatians 5:17; 1 John 1:8). We are all still sinners in need of a Savior, Christian or not. We are prone to speak hateful words, gossip, lie, and hurt. But that should never give us an excuse to continue hurting others in our churches. Sin is the chief reason for church hurt.
Secondly, unbiblical leadership. The church’s leadership often sets the tone for the culture of the church through their preaching, teaching, and church practices. But when such means are not aligned with God’s Word in sound doctrine and right theology, sin can manifest itself in many ways among the people—church hurt being one. As Jesus had said of the Pharisees, we must keep watch of what little influences we are allowing ourselves to sit under because even a little leaven leavens the whole lump (Matthew 16:5-12; Galatians 5:9). Are your church leaders faithfully expositing the Word of God weekly? Is your church faithfully representing Christ daily by living out such teachings?
Thirdly, improper placement of faith and expectations. Some professing believers hold their pastors on a pedestal, expecting them to meet every single need and expectation of theirs—perhaps to fulfill the example set by their previous pastor. When such expectations return void, disappointment arises. Trust is broken. A deep hurt is experienced, as some won’t feel heard (i.e., members) or are even stretched beyond their capabilities (i.e., leaders). Though there is a sense of trust we place in our leaders for the ways of God, our trust must ultimately be placed in Christ alone as He continually works in the hearts and lives of our church leaders. Let it be true of us to say we ultimately follow Christ, not Pastor John Piper, not Pastor Carter Conlon, and not Pastor Charlie Dates. Let it be true of us to not compare our pastors to other successful pastors.
Lastly, a lack of awareness of the reality of church hurt. It is so easy for us to be oblivious to the fact that we, as leaders or a collective, are possibly emotionally scarring others in the church. Some of us may not even know that such painful experiences can still happen in the context of the local church because we might think that such context, again, is exempt from any emotional harm. We’ve turned a blind eye to the reality that hurting in holy places is far too common when it really shouldn’t be. This is mostly because any discussion of church hurt is shamed upon. And when such discussions are not held, history is prone to repeat itself in the coming generations.
Church Hurt Is a Reality!
A place meant for trust and healing is now a place of doubt and anguish. A place meant for intimacy and vulnerability is now a place of alienation and judgment. A place meant for authenticity is now a place of hypocrisy.
Whether it’s the misuse of power and authority, leveraging Scripture unjustly, silencing others for their pain caused by the church, or spreading false rumors about an individual as an attempt to shame and shun them—we must acknowledge that church hurt is a reality so that we can continue to reflect Jesus and bring others to know Christ and Him crucified.
Have we become a Christ-professing community that only hurts people? Have we driven more people out than actually bringing them in? How are we representing Christ to the world?
In the next part of the series, we will take a look at different examples of church hurt and discuss particular circumstances that shouldn’t be considered church hurt.
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