Types of Church Hurt
Having addressed these misconceptions about church hurt, I will now discuss the various ways church hurt can manifest. I ought to add that, although the following types I mention can be universally applied beyond the local church, I will be discussing them within the particular context of the local church.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse in the local church setting may look like public humiliation, verbal abuse, breach of confidentiality, or gaslighting.
Public humiliation is when the church singles out and criticizes members in public settings, causing them to feel an immense weight of shame and embarrassment. In most cases, this is done in an attempt to shame and shun certain individuals.
Verbal abuse includes insulting, belittling, or harshly criticizing individuals. This often happens under the pretense of “discipline” where abuse is disguised as a corrective guidance, making it difficult for the individual to recognize and report it. Such harmful words are often aimed at a person’s character rather than addressing the problem at hand with respect and empathy, while still reinforcing that individual’s worth and dignity.
Breach of confidentiality is when any private information that was disclosed in confidence is openly shared with others, leading an individual to have feelings of betrayal. This often happens in the disguise of prayer. For example, “Jordan told me not to tell anyone this, but he’s been struggling with addiction and feels a lot of shame for it. Pray for him.”
Gaslighting occurs when individuals are made to doubt their own experiences and perceptions, suggesting that they are simply overreacting or imagining problems. According to some survey results I received in October of 2023, the argument—which was made by a few ministry leaders and/or pastors—states that people are “overreacting to the hurt they’ve experienced in their churches” and that “church hurt isn’t a thing.” Some reading this article right now don’t believe church hurt exists and think that it is a topic blown out of proportion. Have we considered that maybe we are practicing gaslighting without even knowing it? That perhaps we are the perpetrators of church hurt and have turned a blind eye to our victims and their buried pains?
Spiritual Manipulation
Along with emotional abuse can come spiritual manipulation. Spiritual manipulation might look like coercive control, twisting Scripture, making threats of divine punishment, or even spiritual gaslighting.
Coercive control is when individuals are demanded unquestioning obedience and loyalty, and are told that dissent means spiritual failure. Many pastors today practice this amongst their other pastors and elders in board meetings when decisions aren’t made smoothly. Many ministry leaders practice this when they’re given the chance to take the pulpit and will say something like this: “If no one agrees with you, God is not with you!”
Twisting Scripture seems to be prevalent today just as it was in Jesus’s time. If the scribes and Pharisees misinterpreted and misapplied God’s Torah (Matthew 23), we ought not to be surprised that there are preachers out there today who do the same with God’s Word (2 Peter 2:1-4; Matthew 24:11). These kinds of preachers will often misuse biblical texts to justify their abusive behavior or to manipulate members into compliance. They are, as Apostle Paul says, people who have the appearance of godliness but deny its very power (2 Timothy 3:5).
Threats of divine punishment may go hand-in-hand with twisting Scripture. I’ve noticed that such threats are only made when a party doesn’t have their own way. When the church is lacking financially, some pastors will make threats of God’s curse among the congregation for not tithing. Or maybe you’ve even heard this one, as it’s pretty common in conservative and traditional churches rooted in legalism: “If you don’t go to church, you’re going to hell.”
Spiritual gaslighting is when individuals’ life experiences are invalidated and are told they are not faithful enough. Let's take a look at one example. Depression affects many professing believers today. And if you know Charles Surgeon, then you ought to know he suffered from depression as well. Yet, he was one of the most faithful Christians to ever live. Some may see others in their depression and say that if they just had enough faith in God, their depression would end. Having faith in God will not always cure depression, just as it will not always make cancer disappear. And may I add that having faith in God does not make one immune to church hurt, either.
Sexual Abuse and Misconduct
Hidden within the shadows of many churches is the tragedy of sexual abuse and misconduct. Such instances can manifest in inappropriate behavior, exploitation of power, failure to address allegations, and victim blaming.
Inappropriate behavior occurs when leaders or members seek to engage in unwanted physical contact or sexual advances. When “no” is not enough, certain individuals will go to great lengths to fulfill their desires, even at the expense of another person's purity.
Exploitation of power is when a person uses their position of authority to exploit others sexually. Though this example may not be fitting since we are in the context of the local church, I think it’s worth noting the scandal of Ravi Zacharias. He was a well-known apologist who did ministry internationally and was well-acclaimed by many people of the faith. However, heartbreaking news struck when multiple women came forward after his death, revealing that Zacharias had sexually abused them by leveraging his reputation and position, along with making threats of divine punishment.
Failure to address allegations occurs when reports of sexual abuse are disregarded or inadequately addressed, often prioritizing the protection of the abuser over the victim. We can take a look at the sexual abuse scandal within the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) where reports of sexual abuse were concealed and dismissed, downplaying the traumatic experiences of many victims.
Victim blaming, like gaslighting, shifts the blame to the victim for the abuse, suggesting that they either provoked it or deserved it. No one would think their minister would do such a thing. How could they, right? But that’s where we might be wrong. We must realize that no one in positions of authority should ever be exempt from scrutiny when it comes to sexual abuse or anything for that matter. How devastating it is when the holy place meant for solace is only a place where scars of suffering are merely born.
Financial Exploitation
Money can be an issue within the church. Financial exploitation is identifiable when there is pressure to tithe and misuse of funds.
Pressure to tithe looks like members being coerced to give more money than they can afford, using guilt or promises of spiritual rewards in Heaven as leverage. Pastors or church authorities may twist Scripture and even leverage their position of authority unjustly to achieve such means. And if they have to, they will threaten God’s curse upon the members as well.
Misuse of funds occurs when leaders misappropriate church funds for personal use, which can lead to a breach of trust. Sometimes, it may include unethical financial practices that benefit a few at the expense of the congregation.
Exclusion and Marginalization
While the church is intended to be a loving community of believers, instances of exclusion and marginalization still occur. Factors that come into play are discrimination, favoritism, and social exclusion.
Discrimination occurs when individuals are treated unfairly based on their race, gender, socioeconomic status, or other characteristics. Growing up within the Hmong church community, I've observed a lingering stigma in many traditional churches and that is this: Hmong Christians should not connect with Christians from other ethnic backgrounds. Consequently, if a Hmong Christian chooses to leave the Hmong church to join a multicultural congregation, they may be perceived as betraying their own people. Similarly, when non-Hmong individuals attend Hmong church services, they might sense unwelcoming glances and feel as though their presence is disregarded.
Favoritism exists in every church. When it concerns leadership opportunities, service opportunities, resource allocation, or recognition and praise, certain groups or individuals are continuously favored while some are excluded.
Social exclusion is when individuals are alienated unjustly based on their past, the reputation of their family members, or even differing theological views. It’s a sad reality that individuals can’t go to church without being defined by their past sins and mistakes. Even the slightest theological disagreements have led some to elevate secondary matters to primary importance, which can result in the social exclusion of those with differing views from church events or gatherings.
The Impact of Church Hurt
Church hurt is complex and not as black and white as it might seem. As we’ve recognized the various ways church hurt can manifest, it is vital to also understand the impact it has had on those affected.
If we’ve been hurt by the church so deeply, we might have a loss of trust in the church. It's natural to come with certain expectations, and it’s not wrong. If God has shown you in Scripture that the church should be loving, encouraging, forgiving, prayerful, and accepting, then it's reasonable to expect these qualities, isn't it? What would a church look like if there was no forgiveness? No love? No faithful teaching? No carrying of one another’s burdens? We would be nothing but a self-professing vessel of Christ without the Spirit of Christ. We would merely be self-deceived, thinking we are something when we are not.
We might start feeling anxious, depressed, isolated, or even like we have PTSD. The pain we never expected in such a holy place has filled us with worry and fear. Sunday mornings become something we dread. We feel the judgmental stares as soon as we step onto church grounds. The neglect from fellow church members makes us feel like Christ has forgotten us.
We might have strained family and social relationships. Those who’ve experienced victim blaming have had their reputations ruined, marking them as liars and horrendous sinners. Our families might believe the word of the church over our own. Our communities might never welcome us ever again.
And ultimately, we might have altered perceptions of God and faith. How can God be good if His own people are not? How can God be loving if His own people are not? Is Christianity a fraud? People genuinely wrestle with these questions. I know because I once did, too. We will struggle to see Christ as the Head of the church when we do not see the Body functioning in submission to Him.
Open Your Eyes to Church Hurt
As Christians in submission to Jesus, we must seek to represent Jesus well. We’ve been entrusted by God with His very gospel to represent our heavenly citizenship here on earth (1 Thessalonians 2:4; John 18:36; Philippians 3:20). We may be in this world, but we are not of it (John 17:16). We must seek to spread the message of Christ by first reflecting Jesus through the Holy Spirit’s empowerment (Acts 1:8; Ephesians 4:17-32; Galatians 5:25). We love because He first loved (1 John 4:19). We forgive because He first forgave (Ephesians 4:32). If we say we are of Christ, we cannot turn a blind eye to the detrimental reality of church hurt.
There is another reality that we’ve often overlooked. Pastors, like regular church members, also experience church hurt. From weathering demoralizing criticisms of their preaching style to grappling with loneliness and the weight of unrealistic expectations, pastors silently struggle with a myriad of church hurt experiences within their ministries.
In the next part of the series, we will explore various ways in which a pastor may experience church hurt, and shed light on the profound impacts of leaving such experiences unprocessed. We will uncover the far-reaching effects of unaddressed church hurt on pastors and their congregations.
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