In the intricate tapestry of the church, a phenomenon often lurks in the shadows, leaving scars on hearts and souls: church hurt. Yet, amidst the whispers and the pain, misconceptions abound, veiling the true nature of this complex experience.
Church hurt is not merely a buzzword or a passing trend; it is a reality for countless individuals within congregations worldwide. However, understanding what constitutes as church hurt is essential, as misconceptions often cloud our judgments. It’s not merely about theological disagreements or differences in methodology. Nor is it about “getting your feelings hurt” or being overly sensitive.
Rather, it’s about acknowledging the profound impact of the emotional, spiritual, and relational wounds inflicted within the context of the sacred church community—a community, when pitted against the standards of this world, known to be of the greatest love, encouragement, and healing.
In the first part of the Church Hurt Series, I offered a broad definition of church hurt, explored four potential causes for its occurrence, and highlighted its prevalent presence today. In this second part, I seek to illuminate the reality behind church hurt, unveil its varied forms, and shed light on its profound impact on many today.
Clarifying Misconceptions of Church Hurt
There seem to be a lot of misconceptions about church hurt that I think it’s important to address them. Some believe they’ve experienced it. Some don’t think it exists. Some think church hurt is merely an overreaction to the simplest of pains. I think it’s paramount that we visit some points to clear out any misconceptions before we dive deeper, understanding why we must talk about church hurt.
Disagreement with Church Teachings
Having differences in the interpretation of Scripture with someone is always, always prone to happen. It may be with your pastor, your leaders, or another church member. And interwoven into those differences come personal theological disagreements. Maybe your pastor has a different perspective on eschatology than you do. Maybe someone’s interpretation of the gift of speaking in tongues is different than yours. Although one might not be able to agree on certain theological aspects with another, such scenarios should not be considered church hurt.
To prevent disagreement from growing into possible church hurt in the future, we must acknowledge the role of constructive dialogue where we can have a healthy debate with one another, understanding that everyone is diverse in their own theological beliefs in one way or the other. For example, consider the topic of baptism from the differing perspectives of two brothers in the faith, R. C. Sproul and John MacArthur. Despite having such disagreements, both could agree to disagree and still had a healthy fellowship. However, if the theological differences are just too vast to reconcile (e.g., differences in primary doctrines, dogma, the gospel, etc.), consider joining another church that aligns more with your theology rather than causing division.
Normal Conflicts
Minor interpersonal conflicts between individuals often include misunderstandings and miscommunications. Maybe a church member was having a baby shower and didn’t invite you to it. Maybe a church member sent you the wrong date and time for Bible study. Whatever it is, these are normal conflicts between one individual and another, and should not be considered church hurt.
We can recognize that these scenarios aren’t experiences of church hurt when there is no presence of malice or abuse. Talk to the individual about their intentions. Discover whether or not there was a miscommunication. Have both parties come to a mutual understanding of the matter at hand. We should seek resolution through healthy communication.
Organizational Decisions and Changes
As new generations rise, we should expect change. Changes may include the administrative choices of switching the service times, creating another service for a different language-speaking congregation, changing how a certain sub-ministry runs, or even—believe it or not—changing the color of the chapel’s carpet. Leaderships change. Roles change. Ministries change.
Given that we should embrace many changes, I don’t want to minimize the impacts of organizational decisions. Some may feel their voices aren’t heard when they’ve voted differently against the majority. Some may feel the church authorities always disagree with their suggestions. God places people of authority in our lives for us, and sometimes they will make decisions that we won’t always agree with (and that’s okay!). Most times, however, we ought to consider that those decisions may be helping the overall body of the local church. We shouldn’t let preferential matters split us up, and we can only do so by grounding ourselves in the authority of Scripture.
Personal Disappointment
We’re all human beings who have expectations of one another. When your church recently installs a new head pastor, you just can’t get past the way the pastor preaches because his preaching style is different from the previous pastor. When your pastor shows up just five minutes late to a church event due to familial matters, you are disappointed in him for not being on time. Although you might experience a sense of disappointment because standards are not met, it shouldn’t constitute as church hurt.
Oftentimes, I think we expect our church leaders to be Jesus to us—perfect in everything. One pastor once told me that he gets the impression that the church sees him as a “professional Christian” which he is not. Pastors are just like us: sinful human beings. They will make mistakes. And we should, like Jesus, extend grace (and of course, if the situation calls for it, accountability). There’s room for personal growth and maturity on our end as we seek to adjust our expectations of pastors and church authorities rightfully in accordance with the Word.
Constructive Criticism and Accountability
As a writer, teacher, and preacher, I must confess: criticism hurts sometimes. If the illustration I gave in my sermon fell through and someone told me there could be improvement in that area, it would sting a bit. But, it’s a good sting. It is constructive feedback. It is meant to help me grow to be my better self. Although constructive criticism can hurt sometimes, it isn’t church hurt.
If a pastor, for example, takes his main Bible passage out of context for multiple sermons and someone mentions it to him, a part of him might shrink. He would probably believe that he had studied and prepared so well that there was no way he made those mistakes, that maybe it’s not him who’s wrong, but rather, them. That bit of pride would kick in him. His spirit might feel offended. And although he might feel this way—hurt and tense—he must recognize that there’s a need for accountability. He needs someone to keep him from wandering from the truth of God. He needs someone to help him realize when he is doing something that is not God-honoring. And if there is a corrective discipline where he’s put on hold from preaching until he’s restored in the faith, then it isn’t church hurt.
Accountability will sting. Healthy church discipline—though it might hurt—isn’t church hurt especially when it’s done in a gracious and restorative manner. Church discipline, however, can turn into church hurt when biblical procedures are avoided, and when it is done in an unloving, shaming, and shunning manner that does not align with Scripture.
Continue reading the Church Hurt Series here.
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